Friday, August 12, 2005

I'm back !!

Listening to : Gavin DeGraw - I don't wanna be

its 1030am and i am totally beat.

for those who are wondering where i had disappeared for the past 3 months.. this post will explain everything...

i havent slept since days.. my eyes are sore.. look like a druggie.. well i am certainly not doing any dope... i am 'OD'ing on a different kind of drug! i am totally swamped with my baby's TLC routine...

let me introduce everyone to my baby... she's uber-cute... super naughty.. she's smart.. she's a beauty and she's like any other child... she drools.. she cries at ungodly hours... she eats every two hours.. which by the way has me spending more time than i personally can digest in the kitchen ... warming up to the blender...

she's an hyper-active, over-achiever and smart-alec sorts of a child... and she is all mine... she likes to binge on biscuits.. she likes her rice like a smoothie... she likes all the junk food... esp the spicy chips.. she likes to throw her toys at nothingness.. she likes to shout out my name for no particular reason.. just to tease and to work me up....she likes to keep me awake through the night just to talk rubbish ... she hates baths.. she absolutely loves commenting or rather booing on my clothes ... and she loves me...

she even has a nanny to look after her when i can't be there for her.. she calls her nanny 'lalana' .. she sounds so adorable when she mumbles those nothings.. we love pulling her cheeks.. the rosy cheeks of hers are so soft ..

she is a delight... my sweetheart... i think i have forgotten about the world in the process of tending to her... i have completely drowned myself in this love routine..i had taken a sabbatical from the cyberworld... but now i am trying to catch up ..

now for my friends who are completely stunned at what they just read.. and are pondering that just how did i manage to have a baby in 3 months.. i am talking about my 88yr old miracle baby granny...


i was talking about my granny .. the superwoman ... weeks have gone by since i had posted about my granny's ill health... well.. i never wrote about her miraculous recovery....

granny ... or 'bapama' as we say in my mother tongue.. is my sweet darling baby.. after she was discharged from the hospital she has been bedridden ... she cannot get up though she has been trying to get up and flee since a few days...she eats, sleeps even poops in her bed... but she's like a child.. she says she is my 2 year old bachcha.. haha ! .. she loves it if i'm with her holding her hand and chatting with her...

for all the time i have heard that old age is like second childhood.. i think i know what it means now.. she is also a great example of courage and strength... the condition she was in few months back ... doctors said she might never get through it... they said her chances of survival were only 1 % ... and she proved them wrong... she completely trashed their the doc says he's proud of her .. i could see the hint of pride and twinkle in his eyes when came to check on her few days bk.. he says that he plans to laminate her diagnosis chart and frame it to put it up on his wall... that nobody let alone an old frail lady of almost 89 yrs could have survived the multiple ailments like she has... he calls her his star patient..

she has just started to try walking.. like a toddler learning to walk for the first time.. like a mother feeling pride and a whole of emotion ... i am floored by this woman's .. my bapama's courage... i am happy that i got to take care of her like she looked after me when i was a kid...

i am happy and grateful to the almighty for letting have this quality time with her. .. for letting us have this precious bond .... i am also grateful for all my friends and acquaintances who prayed for her and for us during the difficult time.. thank you... i am indebted to all.....

Saturday, August 06, 2005


This is exactly how i feel rt now...empty n vain..

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

down n out :((

eh..its been a long time since i wrote anything.. don't know how to begin with this post.. well i think its better to start with all the thank yous... thanks for all the good wishes.. thank you to everyone who thought abt me..

well i need some more of ur good wishes.. i am in dire need of some emotional support. hope all my blogger buddies will continue with their good wishes for me...

its been more than a month since my last post... after that entry i had been to pune... to my cousin sister's place... all of my relatives from maternal side had gathered in the city to celebrate my granparents' 70th wedding anniversary.. we had an amazing time.. more so because my 98 yr old grandpa was so enthu about it.. we had a ball clicking their snaps with grandpa trying to flirt with granny for the cameras...

few days after we returned from pune , we got a news that my uncle (dad's elder bro) wasnt keeping well..he had been admitted to a hospital somewhere in sion .. his kidneys and liver had failed.. we weren't shocked by the news as he was a habitual drinker and he used to smoke a lot... since he had been living alone since his wife's demise some 25 yrs ago , he had let go of himself..

my grandmother (dad's mother) wept a lot the day she found about his ill health.. we were very worried about her wellbeing.. she did not express much of her feelings after the first day.. on the 4th day of his stay in the hospital we did take her to see him... we knew that would worsen her condition .. but it was our duty to let her in on the situation preparing her for the worst and it was her right to see her son...

after that visit she was very grim and she did think out loud once that it would be better for him to pass away than to suffer the unimaginable pain of dialysis and other treatments.. i was so taken by her courage..

the next morning , just around 415am we got a call that my uncle didnt make it... we were sad and happy at the same time... sad for the fact that one of our dear ones is no more .. happy that he didnt have to endure the suffering anymore..

we went to his funeral arrangements.. it felt like the air was heavy that day.. pregnant with mourn and tears.. seeing my cousins weep broke my heart.. its impossible to feel no emotion when a dead body is lying in front of you..

right after that day we could see granny's health changing... she started giving up on food and activity one day at a time...before we knew it in a span of a week she had deteriorated drastically.. though she never voiced her sorrow.. the grief of losing a son was very evident on her face..

ma suggested we hire a lady to help us look after granny.. we were skeptical at first.. the trust question was very significant.. but since it was getting more and more difficult to handle her , we decided it to be a safe option...

we did find a lady to look after her.. she joined last week... she is nice woman .. helps her with bath.. massages her.. helps her walk around..

when we told granny about hiring someone to take care of her.. she protested that it was not necessary.. she was saddened .. that someone else had to be brought in o be her caretaker.. that she was very much dependent on others for even trivial activities..

since last monday she has been steadily deteriorating.. this mornign she asked my parents to take a day off from office .. saying she was worried that she might fall ill.. every since last week i have been crying myself to sleep worrying about her..

seeing her slip away day by day is so heartbreaking.. i feel like my spirit is being drained.. she had raised me all my childhood.. she used to do my hair when i was in school.. lift me up and run down 3 flights of stairs when i got late for it.. fed me till 5th grade since i was a real slow eater..
she loves me so much.. even now if she wants soemthign to be done .. she only beckons me .. she doesnt like anyone else doing her work...

she is 88.. she is an amazing woman... i admire her .. respect her.. adore her and i miss her.. she is with us but i miss her .. i miss her vigour.. her enthusiasm .. her adoring glances.. her loud sneezes.. i miss her cooking..

this evening we brought out in the living room to sit with us n watch some tv.. she was unusually quiet.. we knew somethign was amiss.. but owing to her general weakness we dismissed her silence as a normal thing..

she couldnt eat any food .. she wasnt able to swallow anything.. and she wasnt responding...we called her name .. took her hand but she wasnt responding .. not even a nod.. like she was staring at nothingness...

i called the doc .. he asked us to get her admitted asap... after a check up in the icu we were informed her pulse rate was a whopping 157.. which normally settles around 75-80... also her bp was very high.. according to the doc the blood supply to her brain had come down.. hence her impassive and listless behaviour..

they put her on oxygen and got an electrocardiogram done.. her heartbeats were irregular... we werent allowed inside the room.. we could hear her moaning and calling out my name.. she was constantly crying out my name.. i felt like someone was stabbing my heart.. the helplessness was astoundingly demoralising..

now i am home.. its 230am.. i cant sleep.. ma is staying with her in the hospital... dad is asleep.. just while leaving doc told me that she is stabilising.. her pulse rate is still very high ... but the bp is normal and the beats are regular..

i feel like barging in the room and holding her .. hugging her and giving her a peck on her cheek , which btw always brings a smile on her face... i can still hear her voice ringing in my ear.. calling my name..

please pray for her.. i am ... God i know You are listening.. i knoweven she wants to back at home.. on her bed in her room.. with me by her side..all of us by her side.. i have promised her i'll take her out walking when she comes home ... please make my promise hold good...

Friday, April 01, 2005

Back to the roots - Part 1

I've been thinking of writing a memoir of my trip to my native place since a long time.. but i've been putting it off... i am verbally challenged ...

our flight to mangalore was scheduled to take off at 1140 hrs... after calling up the help desk a couple of times to ensure the check in time we finally left our home some time after 9 am. .. the airport is more than an hour away... dad as usual had done his meticulous timing calculations.. so when the hired vehicle came a little after the intimated time he was fuming.. though he didnt say anything to the driver ... we could feel the tension hanging heavy in the air... as i have mentioned in my previous post, my dad is a high maintainance traveller.... he gets cranky and highly irritable while on tour.. his temper is generally at an all time high... snaps at trivial things... so me and ma were expecting the volcano to erupt that morning... which by the grace of god didnt happen..

having started late from home.. dad was voicing his concerns about missing the flight... since it was peak hour traffic that we were trying to wage war with .. we were on the the saying goes ' when things start going wrong.. they go wrong all at once'... we got the red light at every signal ... that added to my dad's already infuriated disposition.... after all the swearing and cursing...we managed to reach the airport limits just 20 minutes to flight time.. to add to our woes the driver by mistake drove into a wrong by-pass..the poor guy was so frazzled..that sent my already irate dad further on the edge.. we had to take a u-turn and go back up all the way.. we entered the gateway with just 10 minutes left.. all the while we were stuck in the traffic jams , my dear ol' sweet granny was asking wondering out loud whether we have reached m'lore... haha.. we could see fumes emanating from my dad's ears .. hehe..

we literally ran from the gate to the check-in counter ... fortunately didnt had only cabin luggage .. so we didnt waste any time for the baggage to be sent in... breezing thru the security check .. with granny trying to run with her footwear in her hands.. was the most harrowing moment of my life...granny was so impressed at the young good looking airport officials helping her out .. holding her hand while climbing down the stairs.. she was absolutely basking in the attention..

when we finally boarded the plane granny's moment of glory continued.. the flight had only half the seats filled... all the attendants had lots of time to pamper the passengers... esp my granny.. she was so delighted to see all the PYTs give her attention.. all the limelight... hehe.. we had wondered about her being calm in the flight.. we were certain of her throwing tantrums and staging histrionics.. but all the pure unadulterated heed of the flight attendants appeased her wild no stunts during the 55 minutes flight time.

landing at m'lore airport we realised how hot the climate was... when we exited the airport .. the sun was scorching... we were charred in 5 minutes... getting into a prepaid taxicab we started our drive to my native place bantwal..which was about 23 kms away.. the drive was blissful ... the green pastures and the rural panorama was breathtakingly was giving me pointers on how to recognize certain trees.. all 'gaon ka veggies' ... the drive reminded me of the one from madgaon to our temple at keri in goa... the trees were laden with cashews.. and the smell of the earth was simply alluring.. all the imagery completely made me forget about the heat..

we finally reached our hotel at 1530 hrs... the rooms were cozy and clean.. my pet peeve is hotel rooms being untidy.. i hate it coz i am a neat freak.. anything out of place i can't keep myself from setting it right myself.. obsessive compulsive behaviour i guess.. i jumped on the very inviting kingsize bed still thinking about the sheer greenery of the place..i switched on the tv to realise that the cable service there offered only regional languages save ndtv n mtv... and star plus of course ma was content with the channel selection.. she wont miss her sad soaps.. me: dead ..gone to heaven.

after a break of an hour we drove to the temple .. another 2 kms of beautiful landscapes... i was dressed casually .. jeans and a simple crisp shirt.. the moment we entered the temple grounds i could see all the young ladies decked up in their finery .. sparkling sarees .. even more sparkling jewelry.. i felt lost.. it felt like we were walking through an exhibition of to-be brides... like all the women were there to look for prospective grooms.. ma mentioned that i was right .. most of the time marraiges are arranged by families at such religious fests.. ??

the temple office beckoned us.. dad submitted the money for a certain puja ... he took me by my hand and said he wanted to show me someting.. i was wondering all the while being dragged through the office whether he was taking me to show me my prospective husband.. my fears thankfully were wrong... there it was .. an exquisite piece of art... my grandpa was a very famed painter and sculptor.. the painting was more than 40 years old.. it amazing to see the artwork.. to see the magic of the hands of a man i have never met... to see how gifted he was .. to see how revered he was in his hometown.. i was humbled.

we moved out of the temple with a sense of belonging.. i never expected to feel at home at a place that i have only heard tales about ... but there i was .. strangely feeling my heart strings being tugged...we walked toward the town... the life of people in the town revolved around this temple.. they were highly religious and spiritual beings.. they had a simple life.. they were happy.

i felt an empty feeling creep up inside of me.. like i was a waste of good skin.. like i was hollow inside.. walking further into the town we came upon a home while had a nameplate with our surname on it.. dad informed me this was the house he was born in... the house was an archetype village home.. the small fence was very welcoming ... the moment we neared the gate all the ladies in the house came out welcoming us with open arms.. i was whisked inside the home ... entering the home i was taken aback by the structural magnificence... it was simple home.. typical to rural homes .. there were the deep red and black stone floors.. which perennially remained cool regardless of the temperature outside.. pillars of wood held up the ceiling of wood.. laden with tiles the look of the house was so pretty.. i was told that the wood used in the ceiling was more than 400 years old.. this house was standing since ages.. it was a sign of simplicity and strength .. the small quadrangle in the center of the house brought in the light.. i wondered how pretty it would look during rains...

i walked further inside the home shown around by my sister-in-law.. in the backyard was a well.. i am petrified of looking into wells .. it looked super-spooky.. all the creepers and weeding growing on the sides..right when i was about to look inside i heard a purr.. i turned around just to see a black cat staring at me.. he purred as if asking me for an introduction.. my bhabhi introduced us.. he was beautiful.. i had never seen a black cat prior to this.. bhabhi led me to the kitchen.. it was dark and very uninviting..but the smell of pakoras pulled me inside.. yum

dad led me to a small room .. which according to him was where my grandpa lived.. he suddenly erupted with joy... he seemed to be excited about something.. he pointing toward a cabinet and smiling.. my bhabhi opened the case and brought out a small idol of serpent god with a mouse sitting on his grandpa had sculpted this clay model about 45 years ago.. the paint still looked new .. the eyes of the serpent were so real .. boring at us.. i was amazed at my grandpa's work... i'll put up the picture sometime soon..

after the snack we sat on the porch talking about how diametrically opposite our lives were.. that evening i found new relatives .. new place to call our home.. i found a new me... who was someone's niece.. someone's grandchild.. i found a different me.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Travel time !!!

monday reeks !!

i hate mondays.. beginning of the work week for ma n dad... every monday , just when ma is about to step out of our home , she tells me 'do check the job sites... aren't u taking it seriously?' .... i cringe when i hear that ... my luck has dried out and every job offer i come across just doesn't materialise..

anyways today was a bit different.. not the same instruction from ma... today it was ' get over with the packing else we'll have a field time stuffing the bags in a hurry'... yeah the time is here... we are leaving for our native place tomorrow.... i dread travel with dad... he gets cranky and irritable while travelling... plus he loves air travel.. ma n me loathe it... though it does mean lesser hassles .. easier n more comfy journey it just doesnt comfort us...

everytime we plan an outing... on the eve... i dream of something wrong happening during the span of our tour... last time i dreamt our aircraft was gonna crash... i have such weird dreams... that i'm gonna run over by some local .. that there's gonna be an eartquake in our proposed place of visit... fortunately this time i didnt have any such dreams ...

but it looks like ma is compensating for the fact that i am cool this time.... ma is having serious doubts...anyways i still have to start the packing.. i tend to over-pack everytime.. last time i went to nasik for a week with my cousin .. he asked me whether i had packed for the whole year..

tomorrow's trip was has a specific purpose of attending the religious fest ... so the other day dad suggested i should wear a saree... i rolled my eyes when i heard this... i can't walk a feet in a saree without tripping ... i dont wanna make a fool of myself there.. surrounded by all professionals...

anyways i'll have to wear a salwar-kameez... i'll be wearing one after ages... my ma always says ' do i have to peel off those jeans ?' .. thats when the dreaded 'was your jeans day' arrives... today is one such day *bites the nails*

anyways ... i am looking forward to this trip.. will be visiting my native place for the first time..i have only heard about all these years...also i'll be meeting my bhabhi n all there .. so i am excited...

i hope this trip goes smoothly.. yesterday dad was telling me the flights land and take off almost vertically at mangalore airport ... i hope he was just trying to test my nerves... well dad u succeeded... now i am apprehensive ...

gosh i just realised i say 'anyways' a lot...anyways ;-) me have to start rummaging through my cupboard ..

just came across this news piece in economic seems a new indian success story is being scripted on the streets of NY n LA... most of the six lakh manhole covers in ny city and about millions across the country come from apna India... kolkatta getting the chunk of the business.. this began 4 decaes ago... now has gone up manifold.. we also supply the american municipalities with sewer grates , water meters castings et al... haha outsourcing :P