Memoirs of a delirious mind...

I'm back !!

2005-08-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

Listening to : Gavin DeGraw - I don't wanna be

its 1030am and i am totally beat.

for those who are wondering where i had disappeared for the past 3 months.. this post will explain everything...

i havent slept since days.. my eyes are sore.. look like a druggie.. well i am certainly not doing any dope... i am 'OD'ing on a different kind of drug! i am totally swamped with my baby's TLC routine...

let me introduce everyone to my baby... she's uber-cute... super naughty.. she's smart.. she's a beauty and she's like any other child... she drools.. she cries at ungodly hours... she eats every two hours.. which by the way has me spending more time than i personally can digest in the kitchen ... warming up to the blender...

she's an hyper-active, over-achiever and smart-alec sorts of a child... and she is all mine... she likes to binge on biscuits.. she likes her rice like a smoothie... she likes all the junk food... esp the spicy chips.. she likes to throw her toys at nothingness.. she likes to shout out my name for no particular reason.. just to tease and to work me up....she likes to keep me awake through the night just to talk rubbish ... she hates baths.. she absolutely loves commenting or rather booing on my clothes ... and she loves me...

she even has a nanny to look after her when i can't be there for her.. she calls her nanny 'lalana' .. she sounds so adorable when she mumbles those nothings.. we love pulling her cheeks.. the rosy cheeks of hers are so soft ..

she is a delight... my sweetheart... i think i have forgotten about the world in the process of tending to her... i have completely drowned myself in this love routine..i had taken a sabbatical from the cyberworld... but now i am trying to catch up ..

now for my friends who are completely stunned at what they just read.. and are pondering that just how did i manage to have a baby in 3 months.. i am talking about my 88yr old miracle baby ...my granny...

gotcha!!

i was talking about my granny .. the superwoman ... weeks have gone by since i had posted about my granny's ill health... well.. i never wrote about her miraculous recovery....

granny ... or 'bapama' as we say in my mother tongue.. is my sweet darling baby.. after she was discharged from the hospital she has been bedridden ... she cannot get up though she has been trying to get up and flee since a few days...she eats, sleeps even poops in her bed... but she's like a child.. she says she is my 2 year old bachcha.. haha ! .. she loves it if i'm with her holding her hand and chatting with her...

for all the time i have heard that old age is like second childhood.. i think i know what it means now.. she is also a great example of courage and strength... the condition she was in few months back ... doctors said she might never get through it... they said her chances of survival were only 1 % ... and she proved them wrong... she completely trashed their thoughts...now the doc says he's proud of her .. i could see the hint of pride and twinkle in his eyes when came to check on her few days bk.. he says that he plans to laminate her diagnosis chart and frame it to put it up on his wall... that nobody let alone an old frail lady of almost 89 yrs could have survived the multiple ailments like she has... he calls her his star patient..

she has just started to try walking.. like a toddler learning to walk for the first time.. like a mother feeling pride and a whole of emotion ... i am floored by this woman's .. my bapama's courage... i am happy that i got to take care of her like she looked after me when i was a kid...

i am happy and grateful to the almighty for letting have this quality time with her. .. for letting us have this precious bond .... i am also grateful for all my friends and acquaintances who prayed for her and for us during the difficult time.. thank you... i am indebted to all.....

existing

2005-08-06T07:19:00.000-07:00

This is exactly how i feel rt now...empty n vain..

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived...

down n out :((

2005-05-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

eh..its been a long time since i wrote anything.. don't know how to begin with this post.. well i think its better to start with all the thank yous... thanks for all the good wishes.. thank you to everyone who thought abt me..

well i need some more of ur good wishes.. i am in dire need of some emotional support. hope all my blogger buddies will continue with their good wishes for me...

its been more than a month since my last post... after that entry i had been to pune... to my cousin sister's place... all of my relatives from maternal side had gathered in the city to celebrate my granparents' 70th wedding anniversary.. we had an amazing time.. more so because my 98 yr old grandpa was so enthu about it.. we had a ball clicking their snaps with grandpa trying to flirt with granny for the cameras...

few days after we returned from pune , we got a news that my uncle (dad's elder bro) wasnt keeping well..he had been admitted to a hospital somewhere in sion .. his kidneys and liver had failed.. we weren't shocked by the news as he was a habitual drinker and he used to smoke a lot... since he had been living alone since his wife's demise some 25 yrs ago , he had let go of himself..

my grandmother (dad's mother) wept a lot the day she found about his ill health.. we were very worried about her wellbeing.. she did not express much of her feelings after the first day.. on the 4th day of his stay in the hospital we did take her to see him... we knew that would worsen her condition .. but it was our duty to let her in on the situation preparing her for the worst and it was her right to see her son...

after that visit she was very grim and she did think out loud once that it would be better for him to pass away than to suffer the unimaginable pain of dialysis and other treatments.. i was so taken by her courage..

the next morning , just around 415am we got a call that my uncle didnt make it... we were sad and happy at the same time... sad for the fact that one of our dear ones is no more .. happy that he didnt have to endure the suffering anymore..

we went to his funeral arrangements.. it felt like the air was heavy that day.. pregnant with mourn and tears.. seeing my cousins weep broke my heart.. its impossible to feel no emotion when a dead body is lying in front of you..

right after that day we could see granny's health changing... she started giving up on food and activity one day at a time...before we knew it in a span of a week she had deteriorated drastically.. though she never voiced her sorrow.. the grief of losing a son was very evident on her face..

ma suggested we hire a lady to help us look after granny.. we were skeptical at first.. the trust question was very significant.. but since it was getting more and more difficult to handle her , we decided it to be a safe option...

we did find a lady to look after her.. she joined last week... she is nice woman .. helps her with bath.. massages her.. helps her walk around..

when we told granny about hiring someone to take care of her.. she protested that it was not necessary.. she was saddened .. that someone else had to be brought in o be her caretaker.. that she was very much dependent on others for even trivial activities..

since last monday she has been steadily deteriorating.. this mornign she asked my parents to take a day off from office .. saying she was worried that she might fall ill.. every since last week i have been crying myself to sleep worrying about her..

seeing her slip away day by day is so heartbreaking.. i feel like my spirit is being drained.. she had raised me all my childhood.. she used to do my hair when i was in school.. lift me up and run down 3 flights of stairs when i got late for it.. fed me till 5th grade since i was a real slow eater..
she loves me so much.. even now if she wants soemthign to be done .. she only beckons me .. she doesnt like anyone else doing her work...

she is 88.. she is an amazing woman... i admire her .. respect her.. adore her and i miss her.. she is with us but i miss her .. i miss her vigour.. her enthusiasm .. her adoring glances.. her loud sneezes.. i miss her cooking..

this evening we brought out in the living room to sit with us n watch some tv.. she was unusually quiet.. we knew somethign was amiss.. but owing to her general weakness we dismissed her silence as a normal thing..

she couldnt eat any food .. she wasnt able to swallow anything.. and she wasnt responding...we called her name .. took her hand but she wasnt responding .. not even a nod.. like she was staring at nothingness...

i called the doc .. he asked us to get her admitted asap... after a check up in the icu we were informed her pulse rate was a whopping 157.. which normally settles around 75-80... also her bp was very high.. according to the doc the blood supply to her brain had come down.. hence her impassive and listless behaviour..

they put her on oxygen and got an electrocardiogram done.. her heartbeats were irregular... we werent allowed inside the room.. we could hear her moaning and calling out my name.. she was constantly crying out my name.. i felt like someone was stabbing my heart.. the helplessness was astoundingly demoralising..

now i am home.. its 230am.. i cant sleep.. ma is staying with her in the hospital... dad is asleep.. just while leaving doc told me that she is stabilising.. her pulse rate is still very high ... but the bp is normal and the beats are regular..

i feel like barging in the room and holding her .. hugging her and giving her a peck on her cheek , which btw always brings a smile on her face... i can still hear her voice ringing in my ear.. calling my name..

please pray for her.. i am ... God i know You are listening.. i knoweven she wants to back at home.. on her bed in her room.. with me by her side..all of us by her side.. i have promised her i'll take her out walking when she comes home ... please make my promise hold good...

Back to the roots - Part 1

2005-04-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking of writing a memoir of my trip to my native place since a long time.. but i've been putting it off... i am verbally challenged ...

our flight to mangalore was scheduled to take off at 1140 hrs... after calling up the help desk a couple of times to ensure the check in time we finally left our home some time after 9 am. .. the airport is more than an hour away... dad as usual had done his meticulous timing calculations.. so when the hired vehicle came a little after the intimated time he was fuming.. though he didnt say anything to the driver ... we could feel the tension hanging heavy in the air... as i have mentioned in my previous post, my dad is a high maintainance traveller.... he gets cranky and highly irritable while on tour.. his temper is generally at an all time high... snaps at trivial things... so me and ma were expecting the volcano to erupt that morning... which by the grace of god didnt happen..

having started late from home.. dad was voicing his concerns about missing the flight... since it was peak hour traffic that we were trying to wage war with .. we were on the edge...as the saying goes ' when things start going wrong.. they go wrong all at once'... we got the red light at every signal ... that added to my dad's already infuriated disposition.... after all the swearing and cursing...we managed to reach the airport limits just 20 minutes to flight time.. to add to our woes the driver by mistake drove into a wrong by-pass..the poor guy was so frazzled..that sent my already irate dad further on the edge.. we had to take a u-turn and go back up all the way.. we entered the gateway with just 10 minutes left.. all the while we were stuck in the traffic jams , my dear ol' sweet granny was asking wondering out loud whether we have reached m'lore... haha.. we could see fumes emanating from my dad's ears .. hehe..

we literally ran from the gate to the check-in counter ... fortunately didnt had only cabin luggage .. so we didnt waste any time for the baggage to be sent in... breezing thru the security check .. with granny trying to run with her footwear in her hands.. was the most harrowing moment of my life...granny was so impressed at the young good looking airport officials helping her out .. holding her hand while climbing down the stairs.. she was absolutely basking in the attention..

when we finally boarded the plane granny's moment of glory continued.. the flight had only half the seats filled... all the attendants had lots of time to pamper the passengers... esp my granny.. she was so delighted to see all the PYTs give her attention.. all the limelight... hehe.. we had wondered about her being calm in the flight.. we were certain of her throwing tantrums and staging histrionics.. but all the pure unadulterated heed of the flight attendants appeased her wild spirit..so no stunts during the 55 minutes flight time.

landing at m'lore airport we realised how hot the climate was... when we exited the airport .. the sun was scorching... we were charred in 5 minutes... getting into a prepaid taxicab we started our drive to my native place bantwal..which was about 23 kms away.. the drive was blissful ... the green pastures and the rural panorama was breathtakingly stunning...ma was giving me pointers on how to recognize certain trees.. all 'gaon ka veggies' ... the drive reminded me of the one from madgaon to our temple at keri in goa... the trees were laden with cashews.. and the smell of the earth was simply alluring.. all the imagery completely made me forget about the heat..

we finally reached our hotel at 1530 hrs... the rooms were cozy and clean.. my pet peeve is hotel rooms being untidy.. i hate it coz i am a neat freak.. anything out of place i can't keep myself from setting it right myself.. obsessive compulsive behaviour i guess.. i jumped on the very inviting kingsize bed still thinking about the sheer greenery of the place..i switched on the tv to realise that the cable service there offered only regional languages save ndtv n mtv... and star plus of course ma was content with the channel selection.. she wont miss her sad soaps.. me: dead ..gone to heaven.

after a break of an hour we drove to the temple .. another 2 kms of beautiful landscapes... i was dressed casually .. jeans and a simple crisp shirt.. the moment we entered the temple grounds i could see all the young ladies decked up in their finery .. sparkling sarees .. even more sparkling jewelry.. i felt lost.. it felt like we were walking through an exhibition of to-be brides... like all the women were there to look for prospective grooms.. ma mentioned that i was right .. most of the time marraiges are arranged by families at such religious fests.. ??

the temple office beckoned us.. dad submitted the money for a certain puja ... he took me by my hand and said he wanted to show me someting.. i was wondering all the while being dragged through the office whether he was taking me to show me my prospective husband.. my fears thankfully were wrong... there it was .. an exquisite piece of art... my grandpa was a very famed painter and sculptor.. the painting was more than 40 years old.. it amazing to see the artwork.. to see the magic of the hands of a man i have never met... to see how gifted he was .. to see how revered he was in his hometown.. i was humbled.

we moved out of the temple with a sense of belonging.. i never expected to feel at home at a place that i have only heard tales about ... but there i was .. strangely feeling my heart strings being tugged...we walked toward the town... the life of people in the town revolved around this temple.. they were highly religious and spiritual beings.. they had a simple life.. they were happy.

i felt an empty feeling creep up inside of me.. like i was a waste of good skin.. like i was hollow inside.. walking further into the town we came upon a home while had a nameplate with our surname on it.. dad informed me this was the house he was born in... the house was an archetype village home.. the small fence was very welcoming ... the moment we neared the gate all the ladies in the house came out welcoming us with open arms.. i was whisked inside the home ... entering the home i was taken aback by the structural magnificence... it was simple home.. typical to rural homes .. there were the deep red and black stone floors.. which perennially remained cool regardless of the temperature outside.. pillars of wood held up the ceiling of wood.. laden with tiles the look of the house was so pretty.. i was told that the wood used in the ceiling was more than 400 years old.. this house was standing since ages.. it was a sign of simplicity and strength .. the small quadrangle in the center of the house brought in the light.. i wondered how pretty it would look during rains...

i walked further inside the home shown around by my sister-in-law.. in the backyard was a well.. i am petrified of looking into wells .. it looked super-spooky.. all the creepers and weeding growing on the sides..right when i was about to look inside i heard a purr.. i turned around just to see a black cat staring at me.. he purred as if asking me for an introduction.. my bhabhi introduced us.. he was beautiful.. i had never seen a black cat prior to this.. bhabhi led me to the kitchen.. it was dark and very uninviting..but the smell of pakoras pulled me inside.. yum

dad led me to a small room .. which according to him was where my grandpa lived.. he suddenly erupted with joy... he seemed to be excited about something.. he pointing toward a cabinet and smiling.. my bhabhi opened the case and brought out a small idol of serpent god with a mouse sitting on his back..my grandpa had sculpted this clay model about 45 years ago.. the paint still looked new .. the eyes of the serpent were so real .. boring at us.. i was amazed at my grandpa's work... i'll put up the picture sometime soon..

after the snack we sat on the porch talking about how diametrically opposite our lives were.. that evening i found new relatives .. new place to call our home.. i found a new me... who was someone's niece.. someone's grandchild.. i found a different me.

Travel time !!!

2005-03-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

monday reeks !!

i hate mondays.. beginning of the week.....new work week for ma n dad... every monday , just when ma is about to step out of our home , she tells me 'do check the job sites... aren't u taking it seriously?' .... i cringe when i hear that ... my luck has dried out and every job offer i come across just doesn't materialise..

anyways today was a bit different.. not the same instruction from ma... today it was ' get over with the packing else we'll have a field time stuffing the bags in a hurry'... yeah the time is here... we are leaving for our native place tomorrow.... i dread travel with dad... he gets cranky and irritable while travelling... plus he loves air travel.. ma n me loathe it... though it does mean lesser hassles .. easier n more comfy journey it just doesnt comfort us...

everytime we plan an outing... on the eve... i dream of something wrong happening during the span of our tour... last time i dreamt our aircraft was gonna crash... i have such weird dreams... that i'm gonna run over by some local .. that there's gonna be an eartquake in our proposed place of visit... fortunately this time i didnt have any such dreams ...

but it looks like ma is compensating for the fact that i am cool this time.... ma is having serious doubts...anyways i still have to start the packing.. i tend to over-pack everytime.. last time i went to nasik for a week with my cousin .. he asked me whether i had packed for the whole year..

tomorrow's trip was has a specific purpose of attending the religious fest ... so the other day dad suggested i should wear a saree... i rolled my eyes when i heard this... i can't walk a feet in a saree without tripping ... i dont wanna make a fool of myself there.. surrounded by all professionals...

anyways i'll have to wear a salwar-kameez... i'll be wearing one after ages... my ma always says ' do i have to peel off those jeans ?' .. thats when the dreaded 'was your jeans day' arrives... today is one such day *bites the nails*

anyways ... i am looking forward to this trip.. will be visiting my native place for the first time..i have only heard about all these years...also i'll be meeting my bhabhi n all there .. so i am excited...

i hope this trip goes smoothly.. yesterday dad was telling me the flights land and take off almost vertically at mangalore airport ... i hope he was just trying to test my nerves... well dad u succeeded... now i am apprehensive ...

gosh i just realised i say 'anyways' a lot...anyways ;-) me have to start rummaging through my cupboard ..
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just came across this news piece in economic times...it seems a new indian success story is being scripted on the streets of NY n LA... most of the six lakh manhole covers in ny city and about millions across the country come from apna India... kolkatta getting the chunk of the business.. this began 4 decaes ago... now has gone up manifold.. we also supply the american municipalities with sewer grates , water meters castings et al... haha outsourcing :P

Amazed by you

2005-03-07T22:12:00.000-08:00

today is international women's day.. day to celebrate and commemorate every woman's essence... the enigma and the mystique of every woman..

personally i dont think we dont need to select a particular to mark the soul of a woman..the respect and the veneration should be on a daily basis... nevertheless i am dedicating this post to the most important woman in my life ... my mother... though i tell her everyday that i love her... i take this opportunity to thank for what she is .. love you ma

When I'm lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know
I'll find the light to light my way
And when I'm scared, losing ground
When my world is going crazy
You can turn it all around and when I'm down you're there
Pushing me to the top
You're always there, giving me all you've got

For a shield from the storm
For a friend
For a love to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you
For the strength to be strong
For the will to carry on
For everything you do
For everything that's true
I turn to you

When I lose the will to win
I just reach for you
And I can reach the sky again
I can do anything
'Cause your love is so amazing
'Cause your love inspires me
And when I need a friend
You're always on my side
Giving me faith, taking me through the night

For a shield from the storm
For a friend
For a love to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you
For the strength to be strong
For the will to carry on
For everything you do
For everything that's true
I turn to you

For the arms to be my shelter
Through all the rain
For truth that will never change
For someone to lean on
For a heart I can rely on through anything
For the one who I can run to...

For a shield from the storm
For a friend
For a love to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you
For the strength to be strong
For the will to carry on
For everything you do
For everything that's true
I turn to you ...

this is also dedicated to my gal pals of mine... i love you all and i thank you all for being you...

ps: some journo asked a female celeb why there isnt an international man's day ... she replied 'they are just not worth it'...

get set go....

2005-03-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

................weekend's here.........yippee!! .. well doesnt make much difference to me.... the unemployed me... i am excited solely for the fact that the Formula 1 racing season is starting this weekend...............

i woke up as usual a little after 730am .... switched on the tv just to realise that i had missed a good 10 minutes of the qualifying session of the australian grand prix... when i did switch to star sports for the telecast... i saw i had missed karthikeyan's qualifier ... he was the first one to take on the track...

well i began watchin expecting the usual outcome of michael schumacher taking the pole position.... but i was majorly surprised.... the track was very dry ... and the qualifiers were going on as usual... it seems in the initial practice runs, karthikeyan(#19) was just behind the maestros schumi , barichello and raikkonen.. impressive huh?...jarno trulli of toyota set an amazing benchmark , a good 8 seconds ahead of apna karthikeyan... the sesion was progressing as usual ... australias' very own webber clocked in just behind the leader trulli.. makin the crowd ecstatic...

sauber-petronas's Villeneuve(#11) came in next for his qualifier... just when he began his warm up run .. he lost control and the machine spun 360 degrees... it was so nerve-racking... i gasped .. but he still managed to gain control and his team radio screamed .. 'keep going, keep going' ... in what was incredible...he happened to come in 3rd ... was exciting ... the team members could not help smile and heave a sigh of relief...

then came the renault's great fisichella(#6).... this car is supposed to be the fastest car on the circuit this season... fisichella drove the baby with amazing control and set a better time , about 2 seconds ahead of the then leader trulli... then came in massa(#12) ..sauber-petronas driver... the poor guy had just started the track when it started raining ... a sudden cloud-burst led to a downpour... this guy was on dry weather wheels and it became inpossible to maintain the car steady.. i really felt bad for him... he was advised by his team to be careful as heard on the team radio..this unfortunate event made him finish 19th in the end....

this did give the ferrari team enough time to change schumi's wheels to wet weather tyres... though it did give him better hold of the machine.. it didnt do much good as the track was soaked... in trying to keep the car steady he came in 24 seconds behind he pole position.. this will probably be a first in a long time that michael has qualified to be in the last few...

the wet track was a huge disadvantage for all the drivers who came in after massa.... barichello (#2) of ferrari , initially showed great promise .. but nearing the end he lost a few seconds owing to a turn i guess.. he came in a modest 12th...

well in the end ... it was a washout ... hehe...it was unbelievable that minardi cars qualified ahead of ferrari...karthikeyan(#19) finally finished 9th and mr schumacher (#1 ofcourse) came in 18th .... to complicate it more this circuit has a new rule this time... today's qualifier was the first of the two to be held... the next one is gonna be tomorrow before the race...the two qualifying timings are going to be summed up and then the pole positions are going to be found out...

well i am all excited to see the actual race .. which is again at 730am tomorrow.. sadly the second qualifier is too early 430am .. ouch .. so me giving it a miss....

anyways this is my first F1 post .. hope i did fine .. :))

ps: for more info .. Formula 1

joy to the world ??

2005-02-28T19:12:00.000-08:00

1st march... new month.. hopefully new beginnings....

last evening i was squandering away time watching some tv... i happened to come across a re-run of the funny legal drama 'ally mcbeal'... it was a huge hit during its days...the protaganist..title character was a woman always in her dream world .. with her own little idiosyncrasies.. little quirks that made her the life of the legal firm.. the plot of the drama was based chiefly on the life of this woman and her colleagues who happened to be equally eccentric...

ally had very unreal expectations from love...and life.... well not actually unreal ... but very large than life hopes and dreams.. she cribbed incessantly about the lack of happiness in her life.. about how big a mess she has turned about to be... about how she happens to attract freaky disasters..

thinking about it... i thought these above statements... i have said the same things myself many times lately.. i am just like her... many of us are... accident -prone... insatiable appetite for the general good..hehe ..

well there was this dialogue i remember from the above programme...when asked by her colleague if she was alright... she says

"i think i need mental help...i feel happy ...but i am just not equipped for it"

we think so much about happiness .. rather the dearth of it... most of the time thinking about something or other would have made us much untroubled..carefree.. most often we focus on the closed door .. and dont realise that there is another door of opportunity wide open right in front of us..so when we actually find the joy and cheer we initially prayed for.. it just doesnt stimulate us enough..

happiness is defined uniquely by every person.. everyone has a singular estimation of it..by and large we think some material object might make us happier...more content..though we deny this vehemently .. in the end it is the truth.. though we know we should not be so selfish or maybe self-centred.. i think we do not value our emotions and the small but significant desires enough to realise what actually makes us happy...since we are social beings.. we worry so much about how other people see us.. rather how what we do will appeal to others.. which sometimes defines our elation..

its so funny that some of the life's essential lessons are learnt in such strange ways..

ps: i didnt mean to be so preachy.. just feelin a little wise today .. ;)

all the life's lessons..

2005-02-25T20:00:00.000-08:00

i heard this song once on some show... the host of the show described this song as a perfect advice a mother can give to her child.. epitomizes all the wisdom of a mother... hearing this song i realised how true it was...

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

this song originally crooned by ms. lee ann womack along with sons of desert, was recently covered by ronan keating.....

the song speaks of how one should always keep ones perspective intact... never to lose ones desire to learn .. ones hunger for knowledge... i can say all the life's lessons are beautifully penned ... all the time we hear from everyone.. counselling us never to lose hope ... once the piece of hope is gone .. the puzzle of life will be left undone forever..

everyone ... every once in a while is tried for their ability to see right from wrong some point of their lives... one who perseveres is the one who wins... comes out unscathed.... thats what is said and written .... when faced with a choice .. be it a life changing predicament or even a simple decision... can u make up your mind in a second... i've heard people say 'i'd do it in a heartbeat' ... is it actually possible..me being a libran ... indecisiveness is in my stars... the scales never tip in one sides favour ...hehe...

about the song again.... about keeping ones perspective clear.. can we keep our thought stream straight inspite of our tribulations.. can we stall our prejudice... when something bad or unfortunate occurs to us... can we be like the idealist characters of the soap operas and still reason with propriety?? i think it is unlikely that one remains unfazed by the circumstances..

Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making

i do believe in this ideology... falling in love ... being open to the idea of someone changing ones life with their affection... is mostly everyone's desire... but then heartbreak does change what one feels about love... many of my friends say that they dont want to fall in love and dont want their devastated ever again..but when the cupid does strike ... can anyone resist the tantalization..

When you come close to selling out
Reconsider

never settle when your goal is in sight... always abide by your principles no matter how strong the temptation of straying be....is it easy to stomach the allure ...

this is such a sad post.. just that i love this song .. and the message it carries is so remarkable... just wanted to write about it...

easy steps for being lucky/ unlucky..

2005-02-23T21:18:00.001-08:00

this one is a light post... the last two were very deep and serious... anyways i got an amazing response from fellow bloggers.. thanks guys for the encouragement... :)

the other night i broke my finger nail... i was about to cut my nails .... i hate it when they are non-uniform... anyways i was about to chop off my claws ... my ma reminded me ' do not leave the cuttings in the house'... i hate littering.. i can't stand it when people dirty up the place they live in... i refused to throw the nails out... she gave me an earfull.. that throwin nail cuttings in the house brings bad luck... it was bad enough i was cutting them after sundown .. and not throwin them out will lead to catastrophe...this got me thinking about all the things my folks tell me not to do.. warn me against doing... to avoid bad luck ...

here are some of them...

always shower before lunch.. preferably before noon... according to my granny after noon it is ungodly to take a bath (??)
no haircuts after sundown... ma says it brings bad luck... i always dismiss it sayin... at the most could happen... ma says one never knows.. ur hair might fall out.. yeah like that is gonna happen.. but then again... you never know...
wash up immediately after meals.. .. now we do not dine in style.. no spoons , forks, knives for us... we eat with our hands.. it seems letting the stuff dry off on hands leads to believe it or not indigestion.. haha...
no whistling after dark... doing so at night attracts evil spirits... ha ! maybe i'll have a jam session with one...
no stretching at dining table...meaning do not stretch or yawn / show ur fatigue while eating.. again leads to indigestion...hehe
girls should not sleep with their blankets covering them head to toe...it is not nice or decent thing to do according to my granny..(??)
while seated never move / swing ur legs to n fro... that accoring to my folkf ... reduces one's father's wealth... now we dont want that .. do we...
do not purchase brooms after sunset... this again according to ma 'sweeps' in bad luck...

now for some beliefs about good luck...

wearing clothes inside out by mistake... makes the person doing so likely to be gifted with new clothes... ( excluding any deliberate attempts)
milk boiling over and spilling signifies unexpected monetary gain.. dad doesnt believe this one... my place not a day goes without milk spillin.. not a day... so at this rate we should have been zillionaires by now
having a gap between ones front teeth ... is a sign of the person being lucky.. all good things happen to such people...
itching of palms also means monetary gain... expect some fortune everytime ur palm is itchy... !!

k .. i know i know this was a useless post... nevertheless i had fun writing it... and yeah tell me if u know of any such omens....

last but not the least .. today is my friend tarun's birthday... so hippy bathday to ya..err... many many happy returns to ya buddy....may god bless u... may all ur dreams come true....:P

over n out...

In God I trust..

2005-02-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

i thought again last night... hehe... funny how ideas for posts come to me late at night when i am tryin hard to fall asleep... then an idea strikes and i can't sleep until i jot my thoughts down..

my ma had always a nagging complaint about me... that i am not religious enough... she always used to instruct me to pray after i have a bath... pray before going to bed.. my cousin sister who lives in pune prays everyday without fail .. ma always wanted to inculcate that habit in me... somehow we never got beyond folding our hands in front of our small 'mandir' at home...i did pray sometimes..but only when i was in some sort of a crisis..

in our home my dad is the only one who makes it a point to pray everyday... before leavin for work he sits in front of our deity and recites the chants and 'shlokas'... he lights the small lamp and adorns the small idols of various gods with fresh flowers ... then he reads from his little yellow book of religious scriptures...

lately my mind has been so fogged ... literally too ... seems like there is a thick layer of impenetrable smoke between my thought and reason and the reality... its a graver picture inside my head... :).... while chatting with one of my close friends , she suggested that praying might calm the anguish inside me... but i reasoned with her that i cannot bring myself to concentrate for such deep exercise...she just insisted that even a minute of reciting a particular chant will release some of the tensions... by the time we had this chat i had already contemplated surrendering to the ultimate power above us... from that day i have started making time to pray and to just meditate for atleast 15 minutes in a day...

since then i can say i have noticed an incredible change in myself... i have become calmer and suddenly have started noticing why i was so distressed previously... earlier i couldnt even pin point what ticked me off... now i have learnt to focus on things that are much more critical for myself... i used to be very self critical and self-deprecating which lead to me being angry and sad .. at myself most of the time...praying has made me more open minded and i have learnt how to let go of myself .. life is much easier now...

last night i told my ma that i have been consciously makin an effort to commune with God everyday since a few weeks... she seemed to heave a sigh of relief... as if she was conveying that i have finally averted an impending disaster... in a way i have avoided a disaster ... the loss of my soul and the onset of melancholy..

god bless everyone ...

Me & my disgruntled existence

2005-02-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

Current music : Alicia Keys - If it ain't you

Current mood : Sullen

Today is one just one of those days... everything seems pointless... i went to bed last night thinking about the disillusionment that i am so guilty of...

last evening i went for a stroll with my friend ... we began the weekly recap .... i happened to say that i feel like i am caught up in some kind of a web... for the past few weeks i have been feeling lost ... lost... as if i have no significance in this world...i have a great life ... great friends , amazing parents...but i feel spiritually empty inside...

i read blogs of some people... i was so much in awe of the livid thoughts people convey through their writings... i felt small and ashamed of myself browsing through the posts... this emptiness stemmed from the inanity of purpose in my life... presently i am not working.. though looking for employment.... i dont have the drive to go out and seek a job.. i think i am incapable of working in this fast paced .. cut throat corporate world... i just dont have the confidence... today i have been at home since august '04.... i feel as if i am a low life ambitionless nobody...

more than the lack of enthusiasm for getting a job ... i feel i am lacking direction to my life... last evening while talking to my friends we hovered about a point that we feel that we are not giving back anything to this world...there is a saying that goes ' ignorance is bliss' ... but me being ignorant for all these years of my life is now like a thorn in my side.. i have suddenly awakened to the superficiality and shallowness of my behaviour and attitude... all because of reading some very passionate blogs...

my friend pointed out that this ignorance and apathy is all because of our hectic schedule... somehow that argument didnt come home to me.. my after thought was that we attribute all over shortcomings and our misgivings to our schedule...that is probably the most important flaw in us... we do not own up to our mistakes..

some say we have to make time to get some things done... in my case i have plenty of time .. i have to gather my guts to do what i want to do... my repressed aims have been buried so far down .. that the stack of expectations (of the people around me) over them is over-whelming... and the worse part of it all is that i am ok with my stagnant yet comforting lifestyle...this is where i feel i am being arrogant and self centred... all i do is whine and crib about how i want to do something.. but i dont have the courage to even solicit external help....i am too lost in my apathy ..

i resent my perpetual mental block... i resent myself for this pathetic excuse of an existence i am leading..

Yearning for March

2005-02-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

another weekend....planning it has become a passe' ... plus not one plan til date ever materialised..

yesterday dad broke the news that next month we'll be 'embarking' on our annual trip to the south...this time we are going to our native town... place i have only heard about all my life... hard to believe but i have never visited bantwal.. yeah thats the name... it seems it is about 45 kms from mangalore... enlightened by dad again....purpose of our visit is to attend the annual religious chariot fest... organised by our community pundits.....from what i have heard... an idol of our deity is placed in an impeccably decorated chariot... then it is driven or should i say pushed round the town for all the pious people to view and to revel... i am looking forward to the old world charm of the entire procession... also i'll be wearing a punjabi suit after ages... dad will definitely love that....

only sad part of the forthcoming trip is the mode of travel... we are taking a flight to mangalore and from the its a taxi ride of about 30 minutes... i hate air travel... i find it extremely tedious in terms of the pre-flight preparations...personally i love train travel.. even long distance... especially when the route is scenic and picturesque..

another thing i am looking forward to is the arrival of my cousin from chicago... he's coming dwon to india after a gap of about 2 years... when he comes we have a party every alternate day... plus when he comes down on a vacation... he likes to travel to various tourist locations across the country... this year he had thought of checking out hyderabad...me being a travel buff... wanted to accompany him... but it so happened that he dropped the plan entirely... now he wants to visit places further down south viz chennai, kerala... places i have already visited.. so my plan is kaput.... :((

back to my weekend ... nothing to look forward to... except me trying to get my blog a makeover... the template lacks character ... will try to get something very 'me'.... lets hope it works out....

huh?

2005-02-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

just took this one... though i'd be on the fence for this one...

You Are A Realistic Romantic

You are more romantic than 70% of the population.

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance...
But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective.
You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets
You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

2005-02-18T20:08:00.000-08:00

:)).. so cute..

confessions of a tv addict..

2005-02-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

this one is dedicated to the amazing world of television... salute to all the creative minds behind best entertainment source right now...

televison today has radically changed .. in terms of content...presentation...in terms of the sheer size of the industry... until some years ago we didnt have round the clock programming ...thanks to the media programming muguls we have one more excuse to lose sleep....

i am an couch potato... love watching tv... i watch a lot of star world , axn and movies... now that i am an educated and unemployed person disillusioned with life ... i have plenty to time to waste....i like watching reality shows ... as cheesy as it sounds .... but nowadays there is a lot of that genre being telecast... somehow all the drama and soaps have taken a backseat.... among my favs is american idol... the original mould for indian show.... every wednesday and thursday nights i am glued to the sofa ... not allowing my folks to change the channel...my mom hates it the most.... she love surfing the channels .... i cant stand clicking the remote over and over again....

american idol is a very engrossing show... especially for me since i love the songs ... tried to get one of my gal pals to watch it but she didnt know any of the songs sung during the auditions... she quickly lost interest...

another of my fav shows is csi which airs on axn... the present season on is csi miami... csi stands for crime scene investigation... there are a lot of detective and crime solving dramas on tv... this one stands out because of the specific arena of investigation shown... the forensics.... the show is well crafted and is very gripping ....as much as i have heard... one of the producers of the show is an ex-forensic investigator.... so most of the techniques and processes used are authentic... i highly recommend it...

another show i do not miss is a light , over the top school drama... almost a soap opera... i am talking about remix shown on the new channel... star one....its a show about students of an elite school... their misgivings... their relationships... all show off no substance... but it is nevertheless fun to watch... most of the time i catch myself thinking ' i would have never done that in school' .... hehe... the actors need some serious lessons... some of them are so stone faced... timepass though...

anyways i can go on about the shows i watch... but i am thankful that i have a great time pass.. that my folks let me take the maximum tv time... though my dad is glad that i love watch the news too... which is another of my favourites...but it did get a bit boring with all the kidnappings all around the country past few weeks...

anyways i dont want to sound any more shallow... i do have a life besides tv... hehe...

2005-02-11T06:43:00.000-08:00

one of the places i wanna visit... the ultimate romantic destination ... venice , italy.... gondola... grand canal.... ooh love is definitely in the air...

2005-02-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

my mood right now...

of one drunk and more....

2005-02-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

this is a post inspired by my friend's post...

reading my friend's post about a certain bar located in her locality made me think i have witnessed some bizarre incidents when it comes to drunks ....

we moved to our present home about 5 years back... in our previous apartment building... there was a middle aged man who was a poster boy(??) for the alcoholics anon association.. everyone in the building knew that he was inebriated most of the waking hours... even during work hours... every once in a while he used to come home completely wasted and stage some histrionics.... one night we were awakened by some din in the passage outside our flat...the first thought that appeared in our minds was that someone had caught a thief breaking and entering into our neighbour's flat....when we opened our door to scrutinize the situation... we were stunned.... there he was... the tippler.... absolutely stark naked banging against the door of our neighbour while shouting profanities...there it was a rude awakening to the male form.... absolutely ghastly with a capital 'g'...all of us kids ... 8-9 year olds were pushed inside our homes .... protecting us ... from the sorry sight.... hehe... will always remember the horror on my mother's face.....

another incident i remember is when i was in 2nd standard....my school bus used to pick me up from across our street.... since my parents are both working ... my granny used to pick me up after school.... one evening while crossing the road, we suddenly heard pedestrians gasp.. almost like the breath was sucked out of them... and all of a sudden a crowd gathered in the middle of the road.... when we finally got to know what had just happened...some sidewalk dweller who was completely intoxicated ... was just stripping right in the middle of the traffic.... all the aunties gve a shocked outcry... pulling their saree pallus over their eyes... kids were wide eyed over the astonishing performance unravelling in front of their innocent eyes...their mothers ... in attempt to shield themselves were also fidgetting to blindfold their kiddies.....my granny picked me up and ran inside our home.... hehe... only time i saw my granny running...

last one i remember... think i should say is stamped in my memory... happened few months back... the people from our neighbouring building had already made us known to this young fellow in their building....this young fellow it seems was disillusioned with life (ahem) ... was unemployed and most of the time sleeping in some bar... where he was a regular.....one sunday... he came home drunk as usual.... it was a sunny day... with birds chirping ... kids playin with their bicycles...people immersed in their leisurely activities.... me and my ma were standing beside our living room window... just looking out and getting in some fresh crisp air..this unfortunate drunk comes in and starts stripping in the open... while in the act... he is also chatting with the pegions pecking at the grains strewn on the ground.... he is talking to them about his life... about his home... it was a funny sight.... kids were giggling away to glory.... his mother finally came and took him and his clothes away.... and everyone got back to their activities ... uttering under their breaths about another of the youth's performances....

what is it with drunks and their impulse to do a full monty in front of unsuspecting public....

good night???

2005-02-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

k... i write today... no more pictures...promise..
every night going to bed i make sure i have something to ponder on till i fall asleep... else i'll be wide awake staring at the ceiling the entire night....i tax my brain till i bore myself to sleep..... the other night ... after a long day of working .... i was completely spent and still was not even close to drowzy... i tried counting sheep jumping over a fence... going under the fence...tried recollecting engineering formulae.... absolutely nothing helped...then i finally thought to myself maybe i should just try closing my eyes and not thinking anything..
i relaxed myself and cleared my mind of thoughts ... when i suddenly heard something ... it sounded like someone or something was hammering against some wooden structure.... i tried listening hard as to where the noise was coming from... no luck.... the last thing i want is to hear mysterious sound in the middle of the night.... i am petrified of dark..
until recently i had no qualms about sitting up late in the night doing my work.. studying or watching tv even.... suddenly this fear of dark has crept up inside me... during my engineering exams ... i used to sit up late in the night studying... since i started having the unexplainable fear... i couldnt sit by myself... i cant explain why or how this started...
few days back i was reading 'red dragon' by thomas harris... one of the books of the silence of the lambs and hannibal series... that book is so well written... and me being a chicken helped the cause of scaring the reader.....and to top it all i even sat and watched the damn movie adaptation... when i knew it was gonna give me trouble sleeping...the night i saw the movie... i just couldnt sleep... i seemed to hearing a lot of mysterious sounds ... even the leaking of a faucet creeped me out... that night i was introduced to a whole new world of nocturnal sounds ... wind in the trees....calender rubbing against the shelf ...et al..... man that night was a horror...
another instance of my silly imagination working overtime happened at my cousin's place in pune... they have this huge house.... 3 huge bedrooms... massive living room and nice terrace...at the end of the passage leading to the rooms... there is a mirror above the wash basin...at night when i wash my face ... i never look in the mirror....i am so freaked out that i might look up in the mirror and find someone standing behind me with an axe.... sheesh i know this sounds lame..but that really scared the living daylights out of me....

anyways its a new crisp morning now... and i am happy to see light...

nice pic...

2005-02-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

ok... this is the last one for today...

Dreamer Angel! You live in a wonderful daydream.

What kind of Angel are you? .._..contains Anime pictures.._..
brought to you by Quizilla

so cute

2005-02-02T04:33:00.000-08:00

You r like an angel. You possess love and bring love
to any thing or person. You love being
yourself. I think
you r just awesome.

What Type Of Girl Are You???(Amazing Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

happy bunny ;)

2005-02-01T21:30:00.000-08:00

hehe...

congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

!!

2005-02-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

i know russ is gonna like this one...

Gold- Your spirit knows how to love you and
balances excitement and protection to give you
emotional stability. Don't get too cocky,
though, because many envy you. Your
self-assurance may get you into trouble if
confronted by opposing forces. Remember to
keep your cool and that everyone is entitled to
their way of thinking.

What colour is your spirit? (girls) (anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

:))

2005-02-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

ok this one really cracks me up....

Compassion: Compassion is your prime instinct. You
have a truly beautiful soul, it belongs to
Heaven. It makes you sad to see how life became
so cruel, but you always hope that the best
will happen. Don't stop being yourself, cuz
your friends need you.
Your Evanescence song is >>>> Forgive me

What is your prime instinct?
brought to you by Quizilla

quiz

2005-02-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

hehe... just took this quiz...chk out the results

GIRLIe: You're so GIRLIE!! You're cute, innocent,
and just ADORABLE at times! Pink and frills
really DO match you, and you love to talk about
many things.What a girl!

What Kind of Girl Are You?(with anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

For dear Russeo...

2005-01-29T07:33:00.000-08:00

k... this post is dedicated to THE MAN.... THE LEGEND.... THE ONE & ONLY .... RUSSEO... most of the bloggers know him as russel , chem dude , wussel...etc etc... but we ... me and my friends call him russ romeo... in short russeo.... we were in the same engineering college.... and during the fours years time span ... we never talked once.... i came to know him through a gal pal of mine... from then on we have been chatting away to glory.... hehe.... i love him... one of the closest guy pals of mine right now....
college years were weird... as they are for everyone... there were highs and lows like any other endeavour.... yeah it was like a roller coaster ride.... me and my friends... a close knit group of three... never really figured out anyone in our college... we were kinda the outcasts... we never really fit in.... there were very few people that we got along with... others just thought we are snobs...
when i started talking to russel on regular basis ..... i was pleasantly surprised.... like every coll as its own stereotypes... comp people were nerds and jerks... mech ppl were ppl to stay away from... same with production... IT ppl were idiots... and then there were chemical dudes... kinda like mech guys... ppl to stay away from... hehe ... there was this chem dude fida on one of my gal pals... man ... how we used to laugh at him.... hehe... no hard feelings buddy ...

russ being one of the chem crowd... was never someone we talked to... not intentionally.. but somehow we never crossed paths... inspite of having classes in the same building.... soon after we started keeping in touch... i realised that he was such a warm person....incredibly sweet and basically a nice guy... kinda person u want to be hanging out with... his presumptions about me were also shattered... he thought i was intimidating... that i never smiled ... hehe ...well i have taken care of that complaint now.... :-)
we talk regularly now... almost everyday... i love talking to him... i adore him because he is fun to be around... he is witty...he is mad... he is normal.... he is a great listener... good for me especially because i talk way too much... i can talk to him about anything... he is there to listen to my crap all the time...hehe..... i can crib ... bitch... yap about anything to him... plus the advantage of havin a great guy friend is that nothing i say to him leaves the room.... girls cannot keep secrets... hehe

well i am glad that i have such a great pal... i am thankful to him for being him... and i have made sure he knows how i feel ...
love u russ... may u find a great girl ... the kind u want ... gharelu types ....n mini skirts.... then i can stop giving u romance advice.... hehe...

shopping!!!

2005-01-28T06:04:00.001-08:00

k .... i know i know ... this is a girlie topic..... hehe...

i am a self confessed shopaholic.... i love shopping... gives me a high when i go out armed with cash .... i love window shopping too.... hehe.... can spend hours in a mall... going up n down the escalators ( which btw i'm petrfied of).... and come out buying nothing... i guess its in my genes.... got it from my very enthusiatic shopper ma... but i am not fussy like her... when u go shopping with her ... its like a kid lost in a candy store... she has no clue whatsoever as to what she is there in the store for.... no idea what she wants... i am quite the opposite... when i set out shopping... i have a definite plan... a step by step master plan... much like conducting an experiment...i have an aim....apparatus...( cash... credit card....water in case my throat gets parched talkin to the store owner... and cellphone... to call up my dad or ma... at the end asking for help... to get home...) then there is procedure... route .... and the list of items needed... and list of shops to visit....and then there is a table of observations....which store retails stuff cheaply... which has good quality stuff... which store owner is a foulmouth... etc..then there is inference... how much damage did i cause... whether i burnt a hole in the pocket... blah blah....hehe...

now u know.... shopping is like a chemistry experiment... methodic... yet can blow up in ur face anytime..... i was good at chemistry in high school ... thus i am adept at shopping... hehe... am glad to coach anyone interested to master this art.... hehe

Newbie!!

2005-01-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

numero uno post...
my space.... my thoughts...
memoirs of a delirious mind...